A few days ago I was perusing the Internet, looking up
mattresses, checking in on the old competition as it were, when I discovered
something. A connection, if you
will. Buying guides, they were all lousy
with them. What to look for, where to
go, how to tell what's inside, yadda yadda yadda...
Personally I found them to be a bit dull, but not wanting to
be left in the proverbial dust, I set out to make my own new mattress
guide. Now they all talked about
springs, and firmness and so on and so forth... and we have a guide like that
too, Right Here, but none of them told me anything really revolutionary
or what I would consider really important.
So, I decided mine would be different, I would stand out from the herd,
think outside the box, and make the most comprehensive and important checklist
ever to be five bullets long. And I
began with a clever pun (Ticking... mattress.. get it?).
- Is the
bed on fire? This is absolutely
vital and should be the first thing you look for when buying a new bed. If the bed is aflame, it could possibly cause damage to your home. Not to mention finding refreshing blankets can be difficult.
- Is the
bed occupied? If you find your
prospective mattress more full than you would like, chances are you are either
at the store after hours (and times are tough on the shop owners) or you have
stumbled into your neighbors room again. If
you find it is the latter, the bed is probably not for sale and even if it is,
you'll see that your bargaining position has been severely diminished.
- Does the
bed have a large vocabulary? Unlike
with children or parrots, with bedding a large vocabulary is actually a bad
thing. Look for beds that can't speak at
all if it can be helped, as expatiating is most often a sign of
possession. It may also mean you should
reread Bullet 2.
- If you
could be any animal, what would it be?
I'm just curious.
- Is it
comfortable? If it isn't comfortable
than you must not be lying on a Soaring Heart mattress! Okay. So my subliminal
messaging skills could use a little polish.
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