Ticking the Boxes: A New Mattress Checklist

A few days ago I was perusing the Internet, looking up mattresses, checking in on the old competition as it were, when I discovered something.  A connection, if you will.  Buying guides, they were all lousy with them.  What to look for, where to go, how to tell what's inside, yadda yadda yadda...  

Personally I found them to be a bit dull, but not wanting to be left in the proverbial dust, I set out to make my own new mattress guide.  Now they all talked about springs, and firmness and so on and so forth... and we have a guide like that too, Right Here, but none of them told me anything really revolutionary or what I would consider really important.  So, I decided mine would be different, I would stand out from the herd, think outside the box, and make the most comprehensive and important checklist ever to be five bullets long.  And I began with a clever pun (Ticking... mattress.. get it?).

1. Is the bed on fire?  This is absolutely vital and should be the first thing you look for when buying a new bed.  If the bed is aflame, it could possibly cause damage to your home. Not to mention finding refreshing blankets can be difficult.
2. Is the bed occupied?  If you find your prospective mattress more full than you would like, chances are you are either at the store after hours (and times are tough on the shop owners) or you have stumbled into your neighbors room again.  If you find it is the latter, the bed is probably not for sale and even if it is, you'll see that your bargaining position has been severely diminished.
3. Does the bed have a large vocabulary?  Unlike with children or parrots, with bedding a large vocabulary is actually a bad thing.  Look for beds that can't speak at all if it can be helped, as expatiating is most often a sign of possession.  It may also mean you should reread Bullet 2.
4. If you could be any animal, what would it be?  I'm just curious.
5. Is it comfortable?  If it isn't comfortable than you must not be lying on a Soaring Heart mattress! Okay.  So my subliminal messaging skills could use a little polish.

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